Altered Spaces: Funnies

Channel 4 to televise UK's first 'Masturbate-a-thon'

Wed, 19 Jul 2006 09:32:20 GMT

Not content with dragging the good old US of A straight down to Hell with its public displays of mass masturbatory degeneracy, the San Fran-based Centre for Sex and Culture - organiser of the legendary "Masturbate-a-thon" - will in August travel to London for a similar event in which Brits will be invited to tug the trouser snake and pet the beaver for the benefit of safe sex charities and Channel 4 viewers.

While the news that indie production company Zig Zag will be present in Clerkenwell on August 5 to capture the solo cumfest will come as great relief to C4 schedulers desperate - given the abject failure of Big Brother contestants to engage in live sexual activity for the gratification of the UK's viewing public - for footage of TV wannabes cracking one off for charity, we're pretty certain that Middle England is as we speak preparing to decry the utter collapse of British society to the highest authority: The Daily Mail.

Anger leads to hate...

Sun, 09 Oct 2005 12:04:40 GMT

My name's Wes and I have a confession...I get angy at computer games.

If you watch this hilarious video, you'll get an idea of how angry I can get. Let's just say, most of you will probably think the guy in the video is a freak, personally, I empathise with him. I just hope no one manages to catch me on film the next time I play ISS Pro Evolution Soccer 4 on the XBOX. Especially the part when I scream at my defender as he fails miserably to clear the ball from my defence no matter how much I hammer the kick button or perhaps when my winger is running clear into space, but for some reason, no matter how much I point the analog stick in his direction, my midfield just won't pass the ball in his direction.

A Shiny New Comic

Fri, 30 Sep 2005 10:46:07 GMT

A new friend of mine, TeKK (the French Assassin), who I met last weekend at a stag event seems to be quite the talented artist. He has his own website and he even has his own comic, which as of today features yours truly, w00t! Can I just say for the record that I'm looking mighty fine too and I just have to own a Quad bike!!!

Anyway, as I did with my good friend Kei's comic (Detox), I feel I need to do a little promotion here. So without further ado, the French Assassin, in association with MSN Space of the Day, brings you Chibi TeKK.

George Bush Don't Like Black People

Fri, 09 Sep 2005 09:09:13 GMT

The internet's had its way with Kanye West's new single "Gold Digger." An ass-kicking protest remix is now online at FWMJ -- it features Kanye's infamous "George Bush doesn't care are about black people" quote, and skewers the Bush administration's response to Hurricane Katrina.

Five days in this motherf***ing attic
I can't use the cellphone I keep getting static
Dying 'cause they lying instead of telling us the truth (...)
Screwed 'cause they say they're coming back for us, too
but that was three days ago and I don't see no rescue(...)
Swam to the store, tryin' to look for food
Corner store's kinda flooded so I broke my way through
Got what I could but before I got through
News say the police shot a black man trying to loot

Link to "George Bush Don't Like Black People" MP3 (8.7MB). Mirror.

Lifted from Boing Boing

Apparently 33% of American's believe George Bush did enough after Hurricane Katrina hit to help the victims. I never knew a third of Americans were mentally disabled! Ah, they're not are they, they're just white folks with money.

Death to Emo Hair!

Tue, 26 Jul 2005 12:59:27 GMT

Watch the video: Death to Emo Hair!

After watching the video above, you have to wonder whether it's possible to be Emo and have curly hair? Surely every Emo boy needs a pair of hair straighteners?

For those that don't know (like Ivan), here's the definitive Emo definition...

Emo (an abbreviation of "emotionally-driven hardcore punk" or just "emotional-hardcore") is a term now broadly used to describe almost any form of guitar-driven alternative rock that expresses emotions beyond traditional punk's limited emotional palette of alienation and rage. It is also used to describe fans of this genre, most commonly teenagers (emo kids). The term itself originated in the mid-1980s D.C. scene, with the band Rites of Spring, as well as bands such as Embrace, Moss Icon, and Dag Nasty. The term addressed both the way the band connected with its audience, as well as its tendency to deal more with topics of personal and relationship politics than with the standard themes of rock music. In recent times however, moreso than with most other muscial genres, the term "emo" has been subject to social perception above objective guidelines. What bands are or aren't emo is therefore highly subjective and contested amongst those with an interest in the genre. Many acts and fans consider the word itself a pejorative. The result of this is that no modern use of the term "emo" can truly be considered either right or wrong.

If you need something to make you smile...

Thu, 21 Jul 2005 11:40:56 GMT

You might want to check out these hilarious little Lord Of The Rings animations:

http://lotk.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/mordor.gif
http://lotk.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/catapult.gif
http://lotk.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/catapult2.gif

Start at the top and work your way down, if you've not got a smile on your face at the end of it, go and see a doctor, there's something wrong with your wiring!

Also, don't forget it's the first episode of the new Ricky Gervais show, Extras, tonight.

Read more...

So I've been thinking...

Sat, 25 Jun 2005 10:45:17 GMT

Warning: This blog entry is for adults only, please do not attempt using any of the information within it (Kaye, please forgive me, I couldn't resist).

I could really do with a bigger penis, I mean seriously, this thing is a waste of space. I've seen the size they can go up to and I'm really being put in the shade. It's a load of crap that the average size is 5.5 inches. All the men in the videos I've seen are at least 8 inches and some are like 12. So anyway, I've been looking around to see what my options are. Now the immediate choice is whether to have surgery or whether to just try and stretch the damn thing somehow.

Now the surgery I'm looking at is called Phalloplasty, penile enhancement through cutting of the suspensory ligament and/or injection with fat, but unfortunately that can lead to possible serious complications and deformity. Also, surgery can't increase the penile muscles' strength or length; surgery can't increase your ability to maintain an erection (feck!); and surgery can't increase your ability to perform (bugger!) and forcefully ejaculate.

In fact, some studies have shown that suspensory ligament cutting in order to enlarge the penis actually causes a "shortening" of the penis to take place, due to scar formation in the void of the ligament. So I'd guess that pretty much rules out surgery as an option, plus it's bound to be quite painful!

My other options appear to be some kind of vacuum pump or stretching device. Now I could go native and just tie some weights to the end of my penis and let them do their thing, but I think I'd prefer a bit of modern technology to help me. I've tried using the vacuum before, but I don't think the Dyson was built for stretching a penis, so let's examine the tools on the market specifically for the task.

The pump shown above is pretty straightforward, you slip your member inside the glass tube and pump the trigger on the device, sucking the air out of the tube and bringing more blood into your penis. Unfortunately, this is a temporary measure and I need something more permanent, so maybe this would be better.

The above tool clamps around your penis and allows you to stretch it gradually over a period of time, much like they used to do in medieval times by putting people on the rack. Obviously you need to be careful not to get the same end result, that could be messy.

Overall though there seem to be a lot of risks involved with each of these methods and to be honest I just can't be bothered. I mean, at the end of the day, size doesn't matter does it?

Note: This blog entry was a complete fabrication, well apart from having a small penis, but I'm not about to go and torture myself to get it made bigger.

Happy Chaining, Daisy Slapping

Sat, 30 Apr 2005 13:06:41 GMT

Disclaimer: The following information is not real advice, do not follow it as doing so could seriously damage your health.

Being hip and street as I am (which is hard you know!), I've been trying to keep up with the latest trends amongst the UK youth. As part of my training I've had to learn the l33t sk1llz that teenagers today posses in order to safely masquerade as one of them. Now seeing as I'm a generous sort, I figured I should attempt to educate the aging population out there who also wanted to be hip and street.

Lesson 1 - Happy Slapping

Here's all you need to know about Happy Slapping, the must have ability to slap a complete stranger around the head while filming your glorious success and running off at high speed.

Requirements

A mobile phone or other electronic device that can record video.
An unsuspecting stranger
An escape route
A quick hand
Quick feet

If you have all of the above, you too can become a happy slapper! All you have to do, is get a friend to start recording you on his mobile, then run up to some unsuspecting stranger, slap him round the face as hard as you can, then run like ****. Once you've got away, you can forward the video to all your mates and have a good laugh at the strangers expense, sorted!

[More information]

Lesson 2 - Daisy Chaining

Now this skill is really worth your time learning. It involves getting a large group of people together then having a massive sex session with everyone swapping partners.

Requirements

Lots of booze
No condoms
Older guys, younger girls
Massive amounts of peer pressure
Knowing the 'pull out before you ***' technique

If you have all of the above it's really simple. First get all the girls really drunk, then pick one and start getting off with her and encourage all your mates to do the same. Go all the way with her in front of everyone, then move onto another girl, while all your mates do the same. Remember though, no condoms, use the 'pull out before you ***' tecnhique. Also, never ever educate yourself about sex! I'm serious, if you do that you might learn this. Still, if you're a real man, even knowing that won't stop you.

[More information]

Tossing is good!

Wed, 09 Feb 2005 09:21:02 GMT

'Shrove Tuesday' or 'Pancake Day' as it's better known in the UK has been and gone and my wife's belly is now full of my pancakey goodness. Yes, it's true, I'm quite the demon when it comes to making pancakes. Assisted by Delia Smith's recipe and all the necessary ingrediants, I have to say I made some rather fine pancakes which my wife then corrupted with lemon juice and sugar. YUCK! Everyone knows that real pancake connoisseurs use golden syrup.

I'm not sure whether I've tossed before, but if not, I tossed for the first time last night. I was nervous beforehand, but my wife was giving me encouragement. In the end I pulled it off with ease and I'm sure the look on my face afterwards was a picture of delight.

If you've never tossed before, I heartily recommend it.